Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
