TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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