We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
