I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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