I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
