When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
