I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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