Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
3 2 1 whiskey
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
