ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
