he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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