On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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