I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
