It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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