I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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