I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
