She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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