In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
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My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
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The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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