Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize