In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
