you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
