I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
