oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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