I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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