you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
