My Higher Power is John Stamos
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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