he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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