I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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