I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
