life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i have herpe
just one?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
