Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
