I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
