DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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