My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
