A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
