I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
