2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
