Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
