I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
