I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
