Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
