So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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