i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
