The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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