2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
