also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
