shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
