A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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