your parents love me but you hate me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
