is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.