remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?