Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
