Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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