just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it