dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
