I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
