i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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