I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
