she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
