his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
