She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
