...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
