maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
