I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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