yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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